Still Breathing 3-16-16 38:42
So that was good, interesting. It's a metaphor, huh? A metaphor for what? lol. I don't know, what a mystery. I still love the dance, but I don't care. She was cute though when she said that, wasn't she? Yeah...it was like, you're so cute lol. It cracked me up. She saw me chuckling, I'm not laughing at her. It was justso adorable how she said it, I'm like, thank you for answering me, but what is it a metaphor for? Whatever, it's ok, I don't need to know. Let's jus dance, I'll put my own meaning to it. I could be so wrong lol.
It was a good class though, wasn't it? She was getting a little miffed with a few people. I feel ya, hon. I teach too lol. It's not easy, it's not. What do you do when you have people who have disabilities and and certain disabilities are easy to deal with, but anything like a learning deficit or anything like that what do you do, how do you teach somebody like that? You need a lot of patience, more than sometimes wehave to give. That's when I pray, God please help me today I don't have patience for my students. And he always comes in like a flood and gives me whatever I need. So that's amazing. We love that.
She just needs to calm down a little bit with them. Little bit. Don't you think? yeah... but I feel for her because like I said, I know. Who I'm concerned about is that one student right behind me because what ends up happening is that I'm watching him to the best of my ability to make sure he does not run into me, because I can't see well. And that's what I'm really concerned about. You know what I'm saying? Because he's like right on top of me and sometimes I just stopped becuase I'm like he's gonna collide with me, I can just feel I feel people around me ya know? I don't have eyes in the back of my head but even if I did they'd be legally blind too. I'm like what the heck?
Anyway, not much to be done about it. You have to have him in class, you have to fascilitate the needs. It's not his fault; he was born that way. Any of us could've been born that way. Wouldn't we want to be treated with respect and help and care? He can't help his outbursts, he can't. He gets excited, what can you' do? I try to remember: It's ok Noelle he doesn't understand. I smile, I think I handle him pretty well. Right?
I don't think she's good at doing that yet? After all these years she should be. You know? It's not a formal dance academy where you'd have to do something different, but it's a public school, you have to accommodate, it is the law. You have to treat them very well. I know, not only because I have a disability with my legal blindness but I teach people like that you have to be careful. She's still doing better I think. From what I could tell she was really upset today. I didn't do anything, I know that. But it makes my heart hurt for her cause I'm like what happened. It makes me think, what are they doing to her?
So beautiful bfly, I haven't said a darn thing. I'm done with those people they're crazy, I don't know how you dealt with them for all those years. They are looney tunes. And vicious, they are so vicious. I don't know how you put up with them and I wouldn't have. That's the thing and you know that. Remember when I told one of them off? Remember that? Ok this game again? I don't think so. We're done. Game over. I don't care if you think you won, I don't care if you think I won...It's not about that. Go ahead, go off into your little corner go do what you do over there away from me.
And you have to do that with those people. You have to just say: "To hell you are." I'm not afraid of those people, I never was. Nasty though oh my gosh, nasty little liars. Like I said, I don't know how she deals with it all this time. So whenever she's a little upset like that, my heart hurts and I'm thinking what'd they do to you today? That's really what comes to my mind: what did they do? I gave that all to God, I'm like have fun.
Plus he told me, he's like, "Well done good and faithful servant." That's what you want to hear from god and I'm like ok. What do I do next? He surprised the heck out me with what he wanted me to do next, I'm like yeah sure. Like I'm gonna disagree with god. Disagree with god is very dangerous. I did that once and I'd never do it again. Because he has the world in his hand and whatever he wants to have happen, and I'm like, yeah, I'd rather go head to head with people than with god. "They're going darker and deeper and becoming more insidious that is not a place for you my daughter." Basically what he said to me. I'm summing it up. And I'm like ok, not a problem, I hear ya. God have fun with that one. lol. I'll keep praying, right?
No way I'm gonna touch that. When he says they're getting darker, deeper, and more insidious, that sounds like god work that's not for me. Pretty sure it's not...whatever is dark and deep he always uncovers, always. Just look at the scandals in history, look at everything in life, eventually, things gets found out. And then sometimes things get found out and they're a hot mess mistake and theny ou repair them and then no big deal, but then there's just scandalous things that are just wicked and evil. I always use ENRON as an example because that gets my goat what happened. Must have been really bad because one of those people, the guilty party one of -- they committed suicide so, I think that was before all the trials and stuff.
If I'm not mistaken, if I'm not mistaken, I could be, but that's how bad it was. The guilt. See there's a guilt that leads to repentence and a guilt that leads to death. And that example led to guilt that leads to death. And the guilt that leads to repentence and I know it sounds like a big word and it's scary religious word, no what it means is to have a change of heart to go the opposite direction. A 180, to turn around. And it doesn't have to be a big scandalous thing to turn your heart around, it can be you know, anything in life. It can be: I can have a change of heart about how I diet and exercize, not necessarily "repentence" in that form but just to have a heart change or a mind charge.
You also have to look at the word "repentence" that in essence it used in the religious sense to have your spirit change to no longer go the wrong way to go the way of what is right and righteous. So pryaing for all of them, my husband is always like: "We gotta pray more for them." I'm like: "...more?" I keep track of how many prayers we've said. I don't know why I'm doing that, I just think it's kinda an interesting little statistic. We're in the thousands, oh my...we're way in the thousands. It's needed though, it really is.
Where there's darkness and corruption. But this whole neighborhood, it's like that one institution is like an anchor a deep magnet for that type and I'm like "it's pretty scary...really really scary."
Oh gosh that song she played today...I forget who sings it now. The one who drank herself to death and killed herself. Amy W.? Oh yeah...She's beautiful, I thought she was beautiful. I really am not into all that stuff. I learned more about her since last year, yeah...very talented. I was just so impressed with her work. I know most of the words to all of her songs now and she was definitely troubled. Very troubled young lady and I'm like aw man, somebody, there needed to be more people to reach out. You get in between, when somebody has an addiction like that you need to get in between that addiction and that person and do whatever it takes, because they will end up dead. Ya know? Whether it's drugs or alcohol or people can be addicted to like stealing ya know? They shoplift and they get a bigger item next time and bigger and bigger and before you know it they can be shot and killed that way or they end up in jail rotting. Get in between that person and that addiction no matter what. Really, their lives depend on you or somebody to do it. You might not be person but you might have to do an intervention. And then get a group of people. But yeah, that girl needed help. I think a lot of our modern day/current artists of any discipline/art discipline need help. I think everybody is pretty screwed up. Most -- I'll say most. Not all. But yeah, I think most are really screwed up. And what was that you said about them expressing? Some people should not be expressing. They don't express responsibly.
Right. I get ya on that. Yeah expression has to come with responsibility. That's hard too because we live in such a strange world now-a-days. Really. Oh, I get heavily judged by Christians all the time. I'm like: "Really?? You're not even out there trying to save souls for Christ. You just wanna live a little princess, Dis. Princess life. Thas is not what god called us to do. God called us to get these hands dirty. And sometimes it's unpleasant. If you're not suffering as Christ suffered, it makes me question you." Just saying. Ya know? If you're acting all perfect wihtout flaw, without feeling something, without being honest or something, then I question you. I just think, ya know, and I do have some Christian friends here and I'm not trying to offend you. I've got great followers - you guys are strong. I love you guys, I'm preaching to the choir.
Saying that a lot of Christians do judge me. What exactly am I doing wrong? I have more fruit than any of you guys but I should because I'm older but you gotta look at the fruit. That's what matters.
So guys, yeah I guess the message for today is enjoy your life...I am. I have a killer life right now. I am enjoying every moment but of course right now I'm in deep pain because I decided to take 2 intence advance modern classes Monday night and my leg muscles are like rocks. I can't really bend them and I'm standing right, and we did those deep plies in class this morning and I'm like oh no please I'm gonna fall down. And my legs are like this. lol and then we did the lunge thing this is the worst thing for me right now but I didn't fall down. But I had to take it easy and stop a little bit. And then I had to make sure that one kid behind me wasn't gonna run into to me so I had to stop I mean yeah. She was distracted I think. Yeah...like I said, I didn't do nothing to her. She was being sweet I thought, she was being kind to me. Yeah...I just have one question: YOu know the thing is, the more I'm in her class specifically, I'm getting more detail oriented like she is.
So I'm like, she would want me to pay more attention to details, right? So do you want us to go through passe or do you want us to swing it around so I'm trying to really focus and really get details. But I thought she was kinda nice, huh? It was kinda sweet. I know it wasn't me distracting her or anything at all today. I have nothing to say. But yeah we can tell you can tell. I'm sorry bfly, it'll be a better class next Monday. I don't know, kids are just a little rambunctious. I think. I hope that's all it was. Sometimes I really do think though that that room has a lot of bad energy in it and I wanna get annointing oil or something and annoint the place lol. You know what I mean? But you know, something needs to be done, sometimes we just pray.
Thank you for putting your necklace around my neck. Oh yeah.... When it gets really that bad, I really sense that heaviness, I really feel like I need protection and I need to make a stand so he'll put his cross on my neck, he wears a necklace with a cross it's a very strong symbol and people won't mess with me. Really it's almost like vampires and you hold the cross to them. It's a very powerful powerful symbol. Nothing to be offended at. I wear ahkns, I wear all sorts of different things, they're beautiful. That's all they're meant to be is beautiful. When I wear it, it means more than a symbol of execution that's hanging around my neck.
That's from my screenplay that my husband and I optioned actually. That whole thing so Christians and Christian writers don't even think about taking that you know? I've had to deal with some thieves like seriously with my writing like a lot of thieves lately. Like no no that was optioned, that was copyright, over and over, we have to renew the copyright every what is it every ten years? 12 years, 20 years, I don't remember. We have our people handling that but yeah it's from Transgression it's a short term for the whole title it's a really great script but yeah that's where I got that from. It's more than a symbol of execution. It's a symbol of love. Would you die for somebody? I know I don't think I could all the time. Maybe one person.
I'd have to be really listening to god and be very selfless, and sometimes I'm at that place and other times I struggle but in the man, in the carnal man I know that I couldn't have done what he did. So instead of people saying they're offended that's a lie from the enemy trying to say this should offend you. It is a symbol of something beautiful - somebody died for you. And if you don't want to believe that they died for you, whatever. It's fine. He died for other people then, but he did. He actually died for everybody. Ya know? And we have the option and choice to choose that. But there's nothig repulsive about it. Ya know I've asked some people about it. Have you ever asked anybody who's offended by the cross? And say, well what exactly offends you about it? And these are some interesting answers that I got: because I remember I was on the other side of the fence too. And I didn't find it offensive but I found it like .....
that kind of offense. That's a strong word and it's not quite right but it would put me aback. And I was like it repels me and it draws me at the same time. What is that about that? And you know when I didn't have god in my heart that's what I went through it's that push-pull thing. But you know so I remember ... like you grew up with Christ in the household and a lot of Christians that do some of them are really spoiled and they don't get it. So I think it's a benefit of not have Christ in your upbringing because you can "get it" more But still I wanted to ask people and I did. Well what do you find so offensive? Do you even understand what this means? And what it symbolizes? And I got a myriad of answers too. "I don't like the Catholic chruch." "I don't like the fact that little boys are being molested in the Catholic church." Ok, hey...I'm with you on that.
I think it's all legalism, but everyone's always thinking Catholicism/Christianity. Yeah, Catholics can be Christians but the essence of Christianity ...like Jesus didn't say "Oh let's start the Catholic church." That's something that man developed ok. Christianity was supposed to be what the Apostles originally started. And it was all about pure love. You know? It was Apostolic, the whole thing. The turn of one of the centuries, my husband would know this because he was a biblical scholar actually he almost had his degree at where did he go? Bethany, St Cruise? I forget but one of those. What was the name of it I can't remember.
Anyway, so he was a scholar of the bible so he knows all the dates and everything. You know how I struggle? I gave you guys the wrong that one time, I was like: "That's wrong!" lol The verse number is not what's important the thing is to know the scripture and live it. If you have it in your head, good for you and you can recite it. That shows you have it in your head. Living it, shows that you have it in your heart. And that's what god and Jesus wanted. That's what Jesus came to do "You guys are hypocrits because you're just reciting these words and you're not living it. He came for other reasons too but that was one of them. So when I was asking people why does this cross offend you for? Those are some of the answers. SOme didn't have any answers. Some said, "Well I'm just offended." I'm like now seriously, let's think about this because I wanna know. I very curious I wanna get to know you better. And mabye we can help each other out here you'll understand me and I'll understand you better.
Sometimes when I can actually talk people through it, they realize oh wait a minute, I'm being offended by nothing. Because if I actually knew what the cross meant, instead of regurgitating memes that you see on fb or regurgitating things that you heard, let's actually break it down. Ya know? What is it that offends you? Ok, so yo usee this shape? Really, in essence it's a shape get over it, right? Not a big deal but for some reason up a lot of angst in some people. So let's calm down, let's look at it. Is this shape doing anything to you physically? The answer has to be no. Unless it comes at you and attacks you. Or if somebody usese it as a weapon against you. then let's look at the next step of that. Ok so is it the meaning that offends you?
Some people say yes. THen you say, ok let's look at that meaning. What is it about that meaning that offends you? And they usually don't have an answer and they'll just put together a whole bunch of words and it sounds like they know a little bit of scripture because they've heard it from somebody some place before but they have no idea what they're talking about. So when I see a mess like that, I say, let's take a breather here. Let's really look at this. WEll the symbol and the meaning of it means that Christ died for you so you don't have to die. Because you ... we're eternal beings...we're mortal here on this earth but we continue. There's two places that I know of. And you know, god was the redemption for that through his son. The trinity. God in 3 persons. God Jesus Holy Spirit. How do we fathom that? Like I said my husband had that silly putty idea and I gotta get me some of that because I have a feeling I'm gonna be talking about this a lot more.
But that's what it is. God together in a whole and it spokes out. YOu know you have this as Jesus and you have this as the Holy Spirit but they're still connected very much so. They never parted. So God actually sent a portion of himself in the form of a man Jesus. So then I'm like ok what is it that offends you about somebody dying for you because that's what it means. It means somebody loved you enough to take your place. To die for you so you don't have to die; that sounds good to me. That's really wow. You love me that much? That can be a little unnerving for some people though I get that because I was at that place. I'm like why would anybody love me that much that they would want to die? You don't have to do that, I'm cool you know?
Some people don't know. Some people just regurgitate things that they've heard and they've never had anybody actually care and love them enough to walk them through the steps and say this. This is what I do. No condemnation. We're all in the same boat. A lot of Christians, not my followers, you guys are wonderful but a lot of Christians get high and mighty and they think they're too good for everybody else. Oh i'm not gonna go mingle with them because they're "sinners'. I'm like you are disgusting saying that. That pisses me off. I'm like don't be calling people things like that, that's not ok. You know? And then you make it harder for me to minister to somebody when I say I'm a Christian. You see what I mean? People really appreciate the fact that I'm raw, I am who I am. I'm not boasting that I swear because I've gotten better; I just --it's something that I just want to change. Like I said, God hasn't said, "Noelle you gotta stop swearing." I just don't wanna do that any more. It's hard, when I get mad I swear. I'm a very passionate person.
People are like, "Noelle's really cool, she's not like one of those stuck up Christians." Hell no. What does that prove? Who does that serve? God said we were to be servants, not slaves, but servants. How am I being a good servant or a good steward if I don't live humble and live like him, or close. I mean I can't get it perfect no man can, Jesus said it himself you're not gonna live the perfect life, you can't. You can't because you're here on this earth. This earth is filled with too much for us to deal with. There's temptation, there's sin at every corner, we have the enemy yackingin our ear tempting us, and most of the time we fail, so it's really hard.
When we get to heaven we're gonna wonder how did we make it through that crap? Really...so...I think it's very helpful for me, not to act holier-than-thou and just love everybody because I screw up all the time. And people wanna hear that. How can I relate to everybody who doesn't have Christ if I act like I'm sooo good. I am not perfect at all. Just because I was cleansed after opening my heart to God doesn't mean that I'm gonna be a perfect human being. I am flawed, I will fail, I will fail over and over and over again. But each time I fail, the idea is to get back up on my horse, not high horse but you know that saying, "you get back up on the horse and you ride it again and you try." And you ride it a little bit better next time. That's all and you learn. You learn from your mistakes. If you keep doing the same thing over again and you don't learn from your mistakes, that's a problem, then you need to talk to somebody about that.
God needs to fix that little heart, or maybe it's a connection. You need to slow down. That helped me. When I was like...ok....ok....I would react in the carnal man and not a spiritual way I had to first acknowledge, this is a problem and I know it. The next step is recognize - ok recognition first step. Second step: Let me see if I can acknowledge it when I'm doing it. Because sometimes things can become such a bad habit that you're not even aware that you're doing it. You know you're doing it but it's like you naturally do it, it's like automatic for you. And you have to not make that your default. So you have to change your tapes and you have to acknowledge, ok I just did that. So check yourself right there. THat's the second step. Third step: (and don't foget that second step it's very important). Thrid step: Catching yourself before you do it.
Like your head, your heart, biologically everything will start kicking into gear. You have these emotions and you're about to react a certain way and you say, "No that's my old self, I've changed, I've decided." But you have to slow down, catch yourself before you do it. But step number 2 has to happen too and a lot of people don't even recognize step 2. Let yourself ... and it's not good... "Ok I'm gonna return to that addiction now and there I am." If you're gonna have to that for a little while, be it that it's addiction and know, and know that it's not good. Do step 2 for at least a little bit and if you know with addiction, people just throw it out and don't ever do it again quit cold turkey but some people need to go through the process. So say like me with swearing it's like ok I swore, "That's not what I want to do any more. Oh that's right." Start breaking the habit by that. Catching yourself after. So you have acknowlegement, catching yourself after, then catching yourself before you do it.
And then replacing it with something better. I'm trying to do that. I'm sounding like an idiot though. Because I still get mad. I'm like, no f bombs today. But see people see the reality of what Christianity is all about and it's far from being perfect. Although when we open our hearts to god and say, "Hey god, yeah I'm down for this. Come into my heart, we are made perfect that instant. It doesn't mean that we'll be perfect at doing everything, but in his eyes we have become white washed, made clean, made white, made like snow. That's why I like snow so much, the allegory, the metaphor, the beauty behind it all it's just such a purity.
So in his eyes we become his kids, just like you love your own kids. Right? They're precious. And it's not like they can do no wrong because god doesn't work that way. He's not like you're my kid now you can do no wrong, He's like you're my kid now and every time you do something wrong we're gonna shine you up and you're gonna have consequences, he doesn't spare us from consequences, good or bad. But he remakes us each time with each of the consequences and builds us back up builds us back up again. And we'll always have cracks.
Ah there's sun shining. but see these are cracks between my fingers. And you can see it'll shine through. We are always going to have cracks in us. We're imperfect. But when the sun shines through or the light in us, should be the light of god, or the light of love or the light of goodness, at least let that shine through our cracks. And it's not us. We're this broken vessel. But look at this, it's so beautiful. That just happened to be there. I love the sun.
It's so beautiful. I'm a dancer, what eles am I gonna do? It's so funny. What happened to your accent, when I get mad or I get tired it really comes out. I don't know if I have to consciously think to speak like this. lol. And I can but when I get tired...oh forget it. Yeah I still have my accent a little bit. It's all right... that's all I'm gonna say today. It's been a wonderful lovely day and it's gonna continue.
So my buttefly friend, whatever happened today, I'm so sorry, not that I did anything wrong, I'm not apologizing because I know I didn't do anything, but I'm sorry you had to have a rough class today. It just didn't seem like your day today. Hang in there Monday is gonna be a lot better I know you can do it. Thank you, I thought you did a good job. And I'm sorry you had a couple little bumps there and thank you for helpling me with my questions. You know, I just wanna get the details right. I'm starting to do that to train myself to do that because I know I can do this. You're using my terms and how I say things in class, it's funny. You noticed that? yeah...I'm like I don't mind it's just that...you're a doll. Be yourself though, don't be me. Be yourself, you're cool. Be youreslf, you're good enough.
That Amy W. song though. This doesn't bother me any more. It's a repulsive lyric set but what am I gonna do? Now I know the words some of her other songs are a lot better. But I wanted to show it didn't bother me any more because now I just sing celebrate jesus when that comes on. I'm not excepting any negativity or any bad junk any more. There's always a way to combat anything. So you don't accept that about yourself either. Because you are good you are redeemable, you have a precious heart, always remember that. No matter what you do. Stop being negative. That'll help you a lot, trust me. Think of good positive things, surround yourself with good positive things, listen to good positive music.
Spread that to your students, spread that to your co-workers, that's what makes the change. It is always love always wins. It might take longer than we like but love always wins. That's the message for today: love always wins. I'm a testament, I'm a testimony to that. I have a testimony and I have a testament to that...I think I said it right. Love always wins guys it cannot lose. It was the way the world was made sooo... Don't give up hope. You might have been giving up the two seconds before you were going to succeed at whatever it is.
So...I ain't buyin' it, there is good in you. Sorry lol. I'm not apologizing like that but sorry I'm being so forthright but I know there's good in you like an immense amount and you're not gonna be able to convince me either way. Because it's god, it's all about god. It's not even about me it's not even about you. It's god and I trust god and I love god and that's just the way it is. You're in his hands you're like clay. He's gonna take you and mold you into what you were supposed to be. And it's beautiful. Just wait, it's in your hands it's in his hands too. But really you're like this precious beautiful little butterfly in his hands. And some day he's gonna let you fly.
But don't be afraid, fear's your worst enemy. Ok I love you.